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- Paying for Privacy
- The Five Biggest Obstacles to Exceptional Communication
- Emotion vs. Logic is the Wrong Debate
| Posted: 17 Jun 2012 08:00 AM PDT While browsing my newfeeds I came across Silent Circle via Cory Doctorow on Boing Boing. Silent Circle is an encrypted phone call application for iOS and Android, and its creator’s comment on pricing the service at $20/month caught my attention. Phil Zimmermann: “This is not Facebook. Our customers are customers. They’re not products. They’re not part of the inventory” (CNet). I have seen many critiques of Facebook based on the idea that Facebook serves its advertisers, not its members; Facebook members and the information of those members is what Facebook sells to advertisers. A large portion of the internet operates this way, and privacy is starting to be more and more difficult to come by — especially if you want to be active on social media, and use the latest web apps in your personal or professional life. When I sign up for something new, I always wonder… who’s analyzing (or selling) what information, and who will ultimately benefit? And who will end up with that information, somewhere down the line? So when I see a service like this one, it looks like exactly what I need — and I know many others will feel the same way. There is a very interesting opportunity here for new business ideas, just like Silent Circle. I think Zimmermann is right — privacy-conscious consumers will pay for a reliable service that protects their information. The set of services he has planned — encrypted email, phone calls, instant messaging and eventually SMS text messaging — is exactly what many of us have been looking for as basic privacy becomes more and more questionable online. Another comment I loved, because it’s true: “I should be able to whisper in your ear, even if your ear is a thousand miles away.” I find it fascinating — and a bit of a relief! — to see a company focus not only on providing a desperately needed service to its customers, but to do so in a way that flies in the face of popular practices like collecting users’ information to sell to advertisers. It makes me wonder how many businesses have realized how valuable such a mindset can be. Have you had this realization yet? Have your competitors? Eventually one of you is going to shout ‘Eureka!’ first, so I wouldn’t wait too long if I were you. |
| The Five Biggest Obstacles to Exceptional Communication Posted: 17 Jun 2012 05:00 AM PDT
This is life-connected, life-serving communication. Below, I outline its opposite: life-alienated, life-disconnected communication. WhyClearly identifying the following five elements will help us avoid damaging our connection with others. This also provides contrast for learning effective communication skills. When we understand and surface our own patterns, we can begin to transform them and consciously create new ones. WhatRemember that these types of thinking and language are not bad or wrong; they merely get in the way of high quality connection. They also prevent our own needs from being met in a way that is in harmony with others’ needs. Below are the five elements of life-alienated thinking and language: 1. Diagnoses Rather than valid medical diagnoses, this category refers to judgments, criticism, and name-calling. (“He’s just a weirdo.” “The problem with you is____.”) Diagnoses come from static thinking and language. We put people in boxes and pigeon-hole them, often using the verb to be. Effective communication skills, on the other hand, employ a process language (a full description of which is beyond the scope of this article). Diagnosing also happens any time we are certain we know what is going on in another person, without checking it out with them. E.g. with the diagnoses in italics: “You yelled at me for no reason whatsoever.” Or if we tell someone, "I can see you're angry about that" (and they might respond, "I'm not angry, I'm just frustrated"). Being told what is going on inside us, or what is wrong with us, or that we are a (insert judgment here) blocks the high quality of connection conducive to win-win outcomes. 2. Denial of responsibility This includes any language that implies we don’t have choice, or that attributes responsibility for our feelings and actions to others. While we may not like any of the options of which we’re aware, we still have choice. Denial of responsibility involves accusing and blaming, but also includes the use of the words have to, had no choice, etc. Variations include attributing responsibility for our actions to:
Assuming responsibility means connecting with and owning the needs and values we hold that motivate our behavior. 3. Demands A demand is similar to a request, except that it carries an explicit or implicit threat of blame or punishment if it is not complied with. In a demand, by definition, the other person’s needs and values do not matter to me as much as my own. Even if I say it nicely, it is likely a demand if I can't take no for an answer. Many of us have grown up in homes where the definition of love is: “You should know what I’m wanting, when I’m wanting it, and how I’m wanting it. And if I have to ask, well, it’s just not the same.” In other words, we expect our loved ones to be psychic, and we interpret it in a hurtful way if they're not! I predict you'll have more fun and live longer by taking responsibility for what you’re wanting by making requests. 4. Justification of reward and punishment We justify reward or punishment based on static language about whether people are good or bad. Because life-alienated communication is a more static way of thinking and speaking, it often employs the verb to be. ("You are a bad kid and deserve to be spanked." "Those bankers are greedy and they deserve to be locked up." "Those protesters are wrong and deserve pepper spray." "You are a good boy!") These are examples of what I mean by static language, used to justify reward and punishment. Once we judge who is good, and who is bad, then we know who deserves to be rewarded and punished. Punitive language (same root as the verb to punish) used to justify reward and punishment is another element of the type of thinking and speaking that takes us away from high quality connection and mutually agreeable outcomes. 5. Coercion Consider this important insight: The energy with which we do anything for each other is as important as the action itself. If we do anything for one another out of the following list of motivations, the relationship will pay a price in resentment, disconnection, and possibly conflict:
If my wife is doing the dishes and resenting me for it, I would rather she not do the dishes. After all, what is more important, the dishes or the relationship? If I am vacuuming, and resenting my wife for the fact that I’m choosing to vacuum, she would rather I not do it. Because, after all, what is more important, the vacuuming or the relationship? HowWith all these distinctions in mind, recognize before you say something whether or not it could get in the way of the relationship you have with that person. Check your intention, and notice when you are prioritizing a specific outcome or getting your way over the relationship and a win-win outcome. Tips for successRather than trying to get rid of our judgments, we can transform them by empathizing with the needs underlying them. Notice if you are judging yourself for “being judgmental.” We need to notice our descent into this “judgmental hall of mirrors” – and catch ourselves earlier and earlier. Also, keep in mind that some things that sound judgmental may not be. It ultimately comes down to consciousness and intentionality. The most effective intention is the desire for high quality connection and a willingness to work toward a mutually agreeable outcome. If the intention is to “get your way” or to manipulate a specific outcome, you may get the thing you wanted in the short-term, but at the long-term expense of the relationship. What if?Imagine becoming keenly aware that perhaps you are not so free of judgment as you thought. Constructively, positively, work with those old habitual patterns that show up in your thinking, language, and behavior. Then begin to lay down new patterns so that the old ones lose their grip and become only memories and learning opportunities. Image credit: iStockPhoto.com |
| Emotion vs. Logic is the Wrong Debate Posted: 17 Jun 2012 02:00 AM PDT
Sometimes, we hear the term “passionate” used to describe a fiery debate. Although this word conjures up an image of pure emotion, a passionate debate is also laced with logical reasoning as to why the participant cares so deeply. In order to find a workable conclusion or middle ground, both sides must include logic and emotion in their arguments. If either side focuses only on logic or emotion, there’s no reason to continue the debate; nothing but frustration will result. If you are aware of this in your challenging debates, you will know when you can end an argument politely — because there are some cases where nobody will be happy and no progress will be made. Think of emotions as the sails on a ship, and logic as the ropes that bind them. Without the strength of the ropes and points of restraint to hold the sails in place, the sheets will whip to-and-fro aimlessly. The sail won’t have any power to move the ship, and will become tattered and torn as it flails, untethered. It won’t be long before it wears itself out, and frays beyond repair. In relation to the size and scope of sails, ropes are fractional — yet they are what give the sails their power and strength. The ropes allow the force of the wind to be captured and to move the ship forward. And ropes, as important as they are to this equation, are meaningless if all they do is stay coiled in some container. It’s the combination of ropes and sails that give both their ability to harness the wind with astonishing results. When you’re in a debate, discussion, or argument you must be the one who is on the lookout for signs that the emotional and logical sides of the argument are present in both sides of the debate. Once you’re able to do this in real-time (or watching from afar), you’ll be able to spot the brewing storm clouds, and adjust your course of action so as to avoid being swept into more turbulent weather. A passionate — successful — debate has both sides pleading their case with emotion tied down with logical reasoning. When a debate is structured in this way, the murky waters of business become as exciting as being at the helm, navigating a ship at the Americas Cup. But one without the other, and you’ll never get further than the dock. Image credit: ethanlindsey |
Effective communication skills help us achieve
Many times we hear arguments based on pure logic, or pure emotion. When this happens — more often than not — one side is absolutely convinced the other side is wrong, and usually there is no reconciliation between the two. The same drama that unfolds in a parent vs. teenager debate also unfolds across the spectrum of business, regardless of age or stature. One side defends their position based purely on logic, while the other is wrought with emotion. Neither side will be able to persuade the other, and this confrontation usually ends in deadlock (or worse).| You are subscribed to email updates from Upmarket To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
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